Bulletproof Coffee & Ketamine
And other things keeping me going
Perhaps it’s just the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon of seeing something once and then seeing it everywhere, but I’m personally suddenly very aware of ketamine.
It seems like it’s in every show that I watch, and billboards and online ads are stalking me about the drug.
It’s similar to when I watched 7 Perfect Strangers and suddenly began seeing or hearing about Ayahuasca ceremonies. Suddenly, everyone in my circle had been to one, was detoxing for one, or was researching them.
It’s also similar to how it’s being presented to me: take these miracle drugs in a controlled environment, and your depression will disappear! Poof. Anxiety? Who has time? Trauma? What trauma?
So, naturally, I decided to do it myself.
Ketamine treatment wasn’t on my BINGO! Card for 2025. Neither, however, was suicidal ideation. But it still came.
A piece of me felt like I was such a burden on my parents since my 2024 Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis that maybe they’d be better off if I was just gone.
Of course, it doesn’t work that way. Of course, my rational self knows this. Of course, I know that suicide is an incredibly selfish act that would absolutely wreck my parents’ world and the worlds of many of my close friends and family members. Of course, I know this and have witnessed the feeling of devastation and pain as a ripple effect of suicide in my own life. But the fact is, I wasn’t feeling rational when I was wishing myself better off dead. I was just thinking at the moment about how raw the pain still was, is, and will continue to be of waking up in a hospital room, abandoned and left ultimately with nowhere to go. Except, of course, to my parents’ apartment. Where I was now lying, feeling like they would be Better Off Without Me.
That’s when ketamine and the shows I’d been watching crossed my mind. What if? I thought. So I Googled it on my phone, found a nearby clinic, and signed up.
(Yes, I have always been this impulsive; yes, it is both a good thing and a bad thing.)
Less than a week later, I was chatting with a nurse practitioner about my feelings of failure and about the life I had Before Diabetes. She recommended that I begin ketamine infusions ASAP, sandwiched between days of therapy.
And so here I am, about to take off on a great journey of healing. That’s how I’m looking at it anyway. I’ll be writing another piece once my ketamine treatments have subsided, but for now, I am just bursting with hope, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time.
On a day-to-day basis, I’m still getting by with my SSRI for now, along with Adderall and the help of Bulletproof Coffee. The Bulletproof coffee is simple to make, and it helps my energy levels. The idea is that the fats in the butter and oil help encapsulate the coffee for better time release. Think about taking an extended-release version of a drug versus the instant-release version. It’s basically that, but coffee. Here’s the recipe I use:
8 oz. Coffee (black!)
1 tbsp. Unsalted butter
1 tbsp. Coconut oil
Combine the coffee, coconut oil & warmed butter in a blender, then mix.
That’s it. That’s all, folks.
It creates a frothy, carb-less coffee, which tastes pretty good, in my opinion.
Try it, and let me know what you think!
Some other things are also keeping me from totally spiraling out these last few weeks of winter.
Things like:
Pilates (the simple, at-home version!)
Putting in a shower stool (which means I can literally sit under the hot water until it runs cold if I want to— and I do)
Pinterest’s new Collages tool (super fun, available on the app, and highly recommended)
Binge-watching new (and old) shows (I personally don’t mind the new White Lotus music, but apparently some people do)
Podcasts (I’m always taking recommendations)
Salt lamps (big fan here)
Working on my new signature scent (I have the base layer of Mugler’s Alien Goddess Intense, but I’m mixing it with different versions of Phlur perfumes; I’m LOVING Father Figure, but I’m also looking for something slightly lighter for spring/summer)
Writing pretty/awful poetry (which may be starring in a new Substack all its own soon, TBD)
Reading incredible poetry (I can’t recommend the book of poems A Bit Much by Lyndsay Rush enough)
I’m further intrigued by fellow writers & content creators, who have challenged me to create an itinerary (extremely loose at the moment) for an “Adulting Week.” This means a week of taking on everything I would normally put off for “later” (hello, taxes, dental appointments, that kinda thing) and just getting it all done. My brain says YES, but my existential dread keeps saying NO! Anyone else feel the same way? Anyway, my adulting itinerary (so far) includes silly little things and also super important things. Things like:
Setting up a budget for myself (boring!!!!)
Scheduling routine teeth cleaning (especially important now that I’m doing Invisalign, which I LOVE)
Calling back the insurance companies who currently own me thanks to my ICU stints in 2024 (Important! but BORING!)
Getting a new license with that damn star on it and a new photo (TBH, I’m just waiting for a Perfect Hair Day)
Scheduling an appointment for Global Entry (still haven’t done it, and probably won’t until my next trip abroad, when I will still not do it and will curse at everyone in front of me in customs)
Creating a portfolio website of my past work for when I decide to apply to jobs (V important; medium-boring)
So anyway, the idea is to block off a week and just get IT ALL DONE, then enjoy the lack of nagging in your brain about doing it.
I’m still deciding whether to participate, but I love the idea.
ANYWAY, that's all for now, but peace and blessings from inside the K-hole that is daily life!
xo, AB